One of Millions Continued Part 7

Meanwhile, “The one she trusted”(TOST) was cunningly deluding people and creating empathy; TOST made sure that TOST was seen around Pushpa in public, just enough to create, the illusion that TOST was selflessly devoted to Pushpa’s care full time. However, when no one was around, TOST was not around either.

Such abusive personalities have usually mastered the art of creating a smoke screen. They go to great lengths to mislead, disguise and cloak the real situation. TOST always kept up appearances, never letting TOST’s guard down.

There was one particular incident, where TOST reached a wedding just as everyone was leaving. TOST explained away the lateness by craftily alluding to everyone that TOST had been with Pushpa at the hospital that morning. TOST went further, making it known that TOST went out of TOST’s way to make a appearance at the wedding because it was the right thing to do, despite her supposedly hectic schedule. Thereby, TOST cleverly managed to gain not only people’s praise, but also their symapathy.

In actual fact, TOST had awoken late that particular morning and TOST’s family later still. It was a morning wedding and TOST was late. Pushpa was the perfect excuse and cover up, not to mention the perfect opportunity for public relations. TOST, tossed a quick meal into a filthy container that Pushpa would never be able to open, and took off with one of her family members for the hospital . It was probably around one o’ clock in the afternoon before they reached the hospital. TOST stayed in the car, while sending the other family member quickly inside the hospital to drop off this meal to Pushpa. They then took off again right away to attend the wedding.

At the wedding, TOST was busy, engaged in updating concerned friends and relatives with details about poor Pushpa’s condition, as though TOST had been with Pushpa all morning . When in reality, TOST had not so much as laid eyes on Pushpa that day!

“Her words were like tinfoil; they shone and they covered things up.”
― Helen Cross

Contemplation (One of Millions)

Why did the other family members who lived with Pushpa, besides "the one she trusted"(TOST), remain silent, ignorant, and indifferent to the conditions that Pushpa was enduring?


Were they truly ignorant? Were they just thoughtlessly indifferent? Did they simply not care? Or was it because they were intentionally mislead?

"None are so hopelessly enslaved, as those who falsely believe they are free. The truth has been kept from the depth of their minds by masters who rule them with lies. They feed them on falsehoods till wrong looks like right in their eyes. "
-Johann von Goethe

One of Millions Continued Part 6

“Isolation means intentionally limiting contact between the elder and others.”
-http://www.ucop.edu/agrp/docs/la_abuse.pdf

During these long stays at hospitals and care homes, Pushpa was for the most part isolated from family and friends. Her closest local well wishing family and friends would visit from time to time. However, Pushpa’s only real link to the outside world was “the one she trusted”(TOST). TOST had complete control of all information, especially regarding Pushpa’s health. TOST filtered all information going to and from Pushpa and others. Pushpa’s well wishing family and friends, knew only that which TOST chose to disclose.

Amid this period of time, Pushpa’s well wishing relatives and friends would constantly ask TOST for a telephone number where Pushpa could be reached. They cared about Pushpa and wished to stay in touch. TOST always politely and convincingly told everyone that Pushpa could not be reached, giving reasons such as: there is no telephone in her room, the wire is not long enough, etc. Since TOST had quit working and was supposedly caring for Pushpa full time, Pushpa’s relatives asked if they could ring TOST on TOST’s mobile phone and speak to Pushpa. TOST of course, politely agreed to this. However, when relatives would ring, TOST never answered the mobile phone. TOST always had an excuse: sorry I just left the care home/ hospital, I was driving, my phone was not charged, no signal, etc. Why did TOST not answer the mobile phone? Was it because TOST was hardly ever with Pushpa? Or was it because TOST did not wish Pushpa to speak with her relatives? Or was it both?

Eventually, Pushpa’s relatives became frustrated that in the age of mobile phones and cordless phones, it had become impossible to communicate with Pushpa. Information they were being provided from TOST was limited and vague. Hence, Pushpa’s well wishing relatives, took it upon themselves to go online and find contact information on the care home, where Pushpa was currently residing. When they telephoned the care home, Pushpa’s relatives were told by the staff that they especially had cordless telephones, for the convenience and ease of use for their residence. Pushpa’s well wishing relatives were also told that they were welcome to telephone as often as they liked. In fact, they encouraged it for the wellbeing of their residents. So why did TOST not disclose this simple harmless information? What was TOST trying to hide?

To be continued...

"The person who really wants to do something finds a way; the other person finds an excuse. "

       ~Author Unknown

One of Millions Continued Part 5

“All suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their own happiness or satisfaction”
― Dalai Lama XIV

While “the one she trusted”(TOST) was enjoying her vacation, Pushpa was in an old age  residential care home. This home was a NHS provided facility, it was not the nicest place but Pushpa’s basic care needs were met. This care home certainly did not cater to Pushpa’s asian meal requirements. Pushpa would only eat food she recognized.

Coincidentally, the young bride and groom whose wedding Pushpa could not attend, were in London for a few days. Whilst on their European honeymoon, this young bride, lovingly cooked, not only for Pushpa, but also for TOST’s family. Apparently, according to one of TOST’s family members, it was the tastiest home cooked meal, they had eaten in recent memory. Other, well wishing relatives, would go out of their way and take meals to Pushpa, so that Pushpa would not go hungry.  

Soon after TOST’s return from TOST’s vacation, TOST insisted on quitting work. TOST’s explanation was that Pushpa needed TOST, to take care of her full time.Interestingly, during this period of time, Pushpa was mostly either in a hospital or left in care homes.  Pushpa had asked TOST not to quit working on Pushpa’s account. Pushpa suggested and would have prefered to hire a carer for herself, for the short period of time that she was at home. This was not agreeable to TOST, and TOST always had the last say.

Once TOST stopped working, TOST’s full time care consisted of one quick visit on most days, infrequent home cooked meals and “take outs”. The time TOST spent on or with Pushpa was minimal at best. So what was TOST doing for most of the day? Who was TOST taking care of full time?  

Inspirational Thoughts

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter”
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Often victims of elder abuse, no longer value their lives. We need to give them value.
They need to know that someone cares. We need to show we care.
They need to know that they are not alone. Together we can assure them that they are not alone.
They need someone to stand up for them.  We should all stand up together.
Why? Because it is the right thing to do.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world”
-Mahatma Gandhi

Abuser Character Traits

"Domestic abuse is defined as “a pattern of coercive control that one person exercises over 
another.” (Schechter, 1987)  Battering behavior physically harms, arouses fear, and prevents victims from doing what they wish or forces them to behave in ways they do not want. (Schechter, 1987)  Often the abusers “purposefully inflict pain and suffering and may abuse their victims in deliberate and extensive ways.” (Ramsey-Klawsnik, 1995)  Some abusers are simply interested in stealing money and possessions from family members to meet their personal needs. 


Keep in mind that many abusers lie, justify 
their actions and attempt to manipulate professionals. (Bancroft, 2002) "
-http://www.wcadv.org/sites/default/files/resources/ElderAbuse_Guide_HC_Prof.pdf



The abuser may: 
•  Be verbally agressive or even abusive in private or public to the victim, family, and professionals ie.  health care/social workers.
•  Attempt to convince professionals ie. health care/ social workers and friends and relatives that the victim is incompetent or insane. 
•  Be overly attentive to victim in public, especially around health care/ social workers.
•  Controls victim's daily activities 
•  Be overly protective or controlling of the victim and family members.Abuser will refuse to leave the room during doctors visits/ examinations etc. 
• Controls home environment, abuser will ensure that the victims is not left alone with any outside visitors.
•  Be overly charming and friendly to health care/ social workers/ community.
• Manipulative


"A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings
The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run."
 -George K. Simon (In Sheep's Clothing)


"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught."
- J.C. Watts

Today is World Elder Abuse Awareness Day

"I wondered why somebody didn't do something. Then I realized, I am somebody."

-Unknown

“ REASONS ELDER ABUSE MAY NOT BE REPORTED

Elder abuse often goes unreported and seniors and dependent adults continue to suffer. The mistreated person may not know their rights, may be afraid of reprisal or simply may not know how to get help.

Other reason abuse many not be reported:

• Negative attitude toward older adults (ageism)
• Disbelief
• "It's not my business"
• Lack of knowledge about signs of abuse or proper reporting procedure
• Reluctance/fear of confronting the offender
• Fear of jeopardizing relationship with person or person's family
• Mistreated person requests that abuse not be reported (believe they are at fault; innate distrust of authorities; fear of institutionalization)."

-Institute on Aging

The Deathly Silence

“Every half hour another elderly person in the U.S. commits Suicide.”
-Stanton O. Berg

We as a society, need to begin creating awareness and paying attention to this alarming epidemic. Elder Abuse victims would rather take their own lives, than speak up and face the stigma and embarrassment of being a victim. Elder abuse, is a silent killer. Victims often end up taking the secret of their abuse to their grave.  

Pushpa too, attempted to take her own life. Fortunately, Pushpa was saved by the quick action of well wishing relatives, who immediately came to her aid and helped save her life.

Sadly, it took a telephone call from Pushpa’s relative residing outside the U.K., alerting Pushpa’s well wishing relatives locally in London, of this critical situation. They immediately went over to Pushpa’s home and rushed her to the hospital. By doing so they saved her life. What were Pushpa’s immediate family doing? Where was TOST?

One of Millions Continued Part 4

So what was it that “the one she trusted”(TOST) knew, about Pushpa’s health and future that everyone else was not aware of, including the doctors?

Indeed, Pushpa did have knee surgery, and it was not exactly life threatening. Yes, Pushpa’s recovery from knee surgery was slow. This was not unexpected, for a diabetic person of Pushpa’s age. Yet, before Pushpa’s knee surgery, TOST was convincingly telling everyone, Pushpa’s recovery time from knee surgery, would be 6 weeks at most. TOST told Pushpa, she would be up and walking in 6 weeks. Walking and well enough to travel and attend a family wedding, logically this was completely unrealistic. However, Pushpa was not convinced and neither were Pushpa’s other well wishing relatives. Everyone cautioned her against having knee surgery. Reminding Pushpa that her recovery time from such a surgery, would be longer for her than most, taking into consideration the fact that she was a diabetic. Pushpa’s well wishing relatives, suggested that she attend the family wedding first and then schedule the knee surgery.  In fact, one of Pushpa’s relatives had suggested that Pushpa attend the wedding and then consult with a doctor,for a second opinion. This doctor had helped and cured others with similar conditions.  Also, this doctor resided and practiced in the same city, where the wedding was taking place.

This was simply not what TOST wanted. So TOST frightened and bullied Pushpa, by screaming at her that it was now or never. Pushpa was told that it was unlikely that another appointment for knee surgery would ever be offered to her again. Now, Pushpa believed “the one she trusted”(TOST). Pushpa agreed to have the knee surgery as scheduled. TOST had convinced Pushpa that this was her one and only chance to walk normally again, without the assistance of a zimmer frame. TOST had once again successfully  played mind games with Pushpa for TOST’s own personal selfish reasons.

Pushpa had the knee surgery, and recovery was slow. She was placed in a care home. The dream of walking normally again, and attending the wedding, had been shattered. All Pushpa could do was cry.  Was this just Pushpa’s bad luck, or something else?

TOST attended and enjoyed the wedding. TOST explained, TOST could only attend the wedding festivities for a couple of days, because TOST could not, and would not bare the thought of leaving Pushpa alone, in the care home for any longer. After all, Pushpa needed TOST.

Surprisingly, within weeks after the wedding, with Pushpa conveniently still in a care home, needing TOST? TOST took off, on an extended vacation with close friends. Now, the thought of leaving Pushpa, alone in a care home for weeks did not seem to bother TOST at all. It was all quite bearable. Somehow, everything always managed to fall conveniently into to place, for TOST.

TOST’s priorities were and remain, TOST’s own personal needs and wants. TOST always managed to cunningly manipulate each and every situation, to TOST’s advantage. TOST’s controlling personality, kept Pushpa and other family members in check, flawlessly maintaining  TOST’s public image. In fact, TOST’s closest family members, described TOST as using “emotional blackmail.” Personalities like TOST’s will go to any length to get their own way.  This kind of behavior is very common of  abusive personalities.

What can seem like the perfectly together, happy household, from the outside, can turn out to be the perfectly unhinged, horrendously dysfunctional household,  behind closed doors. Thus, it is very difficult, almost impossible to tell that there is an abusive situation occurring, by simply just looking in, from the outside. One needs to be aware of the subtle signs to look for,and of course, one has to be looking.   


To be continued...

Be Informed and Be the Solution

“In the present circumstances, no one can afford to assume that someone else will solve their problems. Every individual has a responsibility to help guide our global family in the right direction. Good wishes are not sufficient; we must become actively engaged.” - Dalai Lama Unfortunately, elder abuse is increasing at an alarming rate in South Asian communities around the World. Our only way of eradicating this epidemic disease, is to address it at the root level. This is not just a family issue, but a societal issue. Hence, the cure to this epidemic illness does not lie in simply treating and healing the family, but the solution lies in immunizing our society against this epidemic. There should be an awareness and zero tolerance in our society, for such callous and brutal behavior towards our elders. They deserve and have earned the right to be respected, revered and able to live with dignity in their final years. After all, let us not forget that these are supposed to be their “golden years.” For more information visit: http://www.bradford.gov.uk/NR/rdonlyres/43374C47-236A-40F2-9B64-D4EA5B2F1361/0/RESPECTEnglishversion.pdf

One of Millions Continued Part 3

Pushpa, besides being diabetic, was taking many medications. She relied and depended on "the one she trusted"(TOST) to organize and supervise her medications, including her insulin. Being diabetic, proper nutrition in a timely manner was essential in order to prevent her blood sugar from fluctuating.

On countless occasions at home, Pushpa would have hypoglycemic episodes. No one cared enough to notice, until she would become severely disoriented and her condition deteriorated to the point where it would be necessary for the paramedics to attend to her. Sometimes, they would be able to stabilize her blood sugar and at other times she would be rushed to the hospital.

What is intriguing and perplexing is the fact that as ill as Pushpa was, when she was admitted for months at a time into hospital and care homes, such hypoglycemic episodes would rarely ever occur. Yet, why was it that after she had completely recovered enough to return to her own home, Pushpa would start having frequent hypoglycemic episodes? Her general condition would rapidly deteriorate and typically, Pushpa was hospitalized again within weeks of returning home.

During Pushpa's extended stays in hospitals and residential care homes, Pushpa's basic needs were taken care of. She was bathed, cleaned, and attended to as needed. Pushpa's medications were administered regularly and in a timely manner, including her insulin. There was always a t.v. for entertainment and Pushpa was free to converse with nurses and staff whenever they had some free time to chat. All of Pushpa’s needs were met in a caring humane manner, yet Pushpa yearned and looked forward to going home. Such thoughts and behaviors are classic characteristics of victims of elder abuse. Again, a bad home and family was better than no home and no family.

Meanwhile, TOST was busy convincing Pushpa’s other kin that TOST was afraid that Pushpa’s condition was grave. TOST was insistent that if they wished to see her one last time, they should come and visit as soon as possible. TOST made it seem as though Pushpa’s condition was critical and that poor Pushpa did not have much time left.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.”
- Sir Walter Scott (Marmion, 1808)

What was it that “the one she trusted”(TOST) knew about Pushpa’s health and future that everyone else was not aware of, including the doctors?

To be continued...

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day

One of Millions Continued Part 2

So what exactly was causing Pushpa to become so ill at home? Was it neglect or something worse?


In her home Pushpa was isolated in her own room, rarely did any of her family members make an effort to talk to her, let alone spend time with her. In fact, there were times when she was tortured and demeaned by members of her own family, shouting at her that they could not stand to even look at her. Hence, they would shut the doors and close her in her room for hours at a time. Often it would get dark outside, and Pushpa would be left sitting alone in the empty darkness of her room. Bedridden she was helpless to even get up and turn on a light switch. There was no light switch close by, there was no telephone that she could use close by. Countless times Pushpa's other relatives had suggested to "the one she trusted"(TOST) that an elder user friendly telephone, with large numbers and speed dial, be provided for her, and placed in a permanent position within Pushpa's reach. TOST refused, insisting the cordless telephone was sufficient. It was not. First, Pushpa's eyesight had deteriorated to the point that she could no longer read the numbers, to make use of the cordless telephone. Secondly, no one cared enough to make sure that the cordless phone was always charged and placed at her side.


Mealtimes were not something Pushpa could look forward to anymore. Pushpa had always loved to cook and took pride in preparing meals for her family and friends.TOST had never liked spending time in the kitchen. Meals were cooked only a few of times during the week. For most meals, Pushpa was eating leftovers, which would often be spoilt. Despite having two refrigerators, food was left outside for days on the kitchen countertops. Even other family members would refuse to eat this food, choosing to eat out more often than not. TOST was too busy living her own life to care. Basic staples, like bread and milk would be expired, not to mention sour. Pushpa was completely dependent on whatever was offered. When she dared to complain, the response from TOST was that if she did not like the food that was offered, she should get up and make it herself. If only Pushpa could.


To be continued...

"Elder abuse is  on the rise amongst South Asians "
- Pradip Rodrigues Can-India


http://canindia.com/2012/06/elder-abuse-on-the-rise-among-south-asians/

Speak Up It Could Save a Life

One is never too young to speak up, or bring attention to something they know in their gut to be wrong. Their gut feeling could save a life.

One of Millions Continued Part 1

During a period of almost two years, after Pushpa had knee surgery, her life consisted of spending months at a time going from hospital to residential care homes.She would make a complete recovery and be sent home. In a matter of only weeks at home, her condition would deteriorate to the point that she would have to be hospitalized again. From the hospital she would once again be placed back in a residential care home. Pushpa would recover and would be sent back to her home again, only to rapidly deteriorate again and the cycle continued.

What was causing Pushpa to become so ill at home? Was it neglect or something worse?


To be continued...

One of Millions

This is Pushpa.  Approximately every five seconds an elderly person is abused; she is just one of them.

Pushpa has lost everything; she is a 75-year-old amputee and cannot do anything for herself, despite that she is one of the lucky ones. She survived; so many others do not live to tell their story.
Pushpa now resides in a nursing home in London. She is safe, cared for, and most of all loved. Sometimes Pushpa still wakes up frightened and distraught in the middle of the night, she cries when she recalls what happened to her.

She vividly recalls one particular incident. She had just returned home after many months of being in a residential care home, following knee replacement surgery. Pushpa was slowly walking across the dining room, towards the bathroom using her Zimmer frame. She was proud and relieved that she was finally walking again after her surgery. When suddenly a member of her own family without any reason callously struck her and knocked her to the floor. The pain she endured was not just physical. Pushpa was hurt and needed medical attention. However, she did not receive any medical attention until her so called caretaker, her very own family member, “the one she trusted” (TOST), cunningly covered up for this other family member by ensuring Pushpa slipped in the shower the next day. TOST only then sought medical attention for Pushpa and passed off her injury as being caused by a nasty fall in the shower. Pushpa knew that her injury was not caused from slipping in the shower. Yet Pushpa remained silent.      
 
Pushpa endured physical, psychological, financial abuse and neglect for years. She never said a word. She felt ashamed and humiliated by her circumstances.  Pushpa’s abuser was a member of her own family.  Pushpa was loyal and loved her family unconditionally. She justified their behavior and mistreatment towards her by blaming her own disabilities. Pushpa felt she had become a burden. She was no longer useful, as she had once been. Hence, she was no longer needed or wanted.


At home, Pushpa was forced to live in inhumane conditions, unless there was going to be a visitor that day. She was denied basic human necessities: proper nutrition, bathing, clean bedding, and most horrifying of all, even essential medicines.  Pushpa was bedridden and completely dependent, yet most of the time there was no one around to help her, unless there was going to be a visitor that day.

There were times when she lay soiled in her own feces for hours and even overnight because she was too afraid to ask for assistance. Yes, she would be cleaned eventually by TOST, but not without verbal abuse and humiliation. Pushpa was constantly reminded by TOST that she was completely dependent on TOST for everything. If Pushpa was not submissive to TOST’s every whim, TOST yelled at her, threatening to run away and abandon her. Pushpa feared the consequences of being left alone. She felt she had no choice but to convince herself and accept that a bad home and family was better than no home and family at all.

Social services had put in place carers to come and assist Pushpa three times a day, once in the morning to bathe her but they were unable to do so. “The one she trusted ” refused to convert the ground floor shower to accommodate someone with a disability. The carers would return at lunch time and again at dinner time  to take care of Pushpa’s needs. With the carers attending her three times a day, Pushpa felt somewhat human again.

Now Pushpa was an independently wealthy lady. Her late husband had amply provided for her needs. She had an income, properties, and money in the bank. Pushpa was happy to pay someone to take care of her, but TOST was not.  Pushpa’s entire income was going directly into hands’ of  “the one she trusted”. In fact, this income is what Pushpa’s family was living on. TOST was in complete control of all of Pushpa’s finances and assets . Now, greedy TOST was unhappy about the fact that a portion of Pushpa’s income was going towards paying for carers to attend to her needs three times a day. So TOST stopped the carers from coming. TOST informed social services that she herself would be taking care of Pushpa. The carers were limited to coming only once a day, a quick morning visit to change her diaper and sponge clean her. In other words, it was back to living in inhumane conditions again for Pushpa. To be continued…

My name is Mita,


This is my very first blog. In fact, I have never felt the need to use any form of social media before. Normally, I am a very private person, perhaps even a little introverted. However, today I feel compelled to use this form of social media to bring awareness to an issue that is very close to my heart and probably also to many of you out there.

Elder Abuse

15th of June  is the International Elder Abuse Awareness Day 


Every year, there are millions of victims of physical, psychological, financial, and other forms of elder abuse and neglect.


“According to the US’s National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA), only 1 out of every 14 cases of elder abuse is reported.  This probably has much to do with the fact that the majority of the time, the elderly are abused by their family members. ”

                                    -Amber Paley (The Scavenger March 2012)

Elderly adults are just as vulnerable as young children.  Most people would agree, that with the progression of age, elderly adults, more often than not become quite childlike again. With age, the elderly become increasingly physically and emotionally dependent. 

If one were to see or know of a young child being mistreated or abused in anyway, by an adult in the position where there is an expectancy of trust for example: carer, teacher, doctor, or family member, it is most likely that this abuse would not go unnoticed. Rather, it would be brought to the attention of the police or other appropriate authorities.

Why is it that when the victim is an elderly adult that one is more likely to ignore and turn a blind eye to the incident? Even when our young children behave badly, culture and society dictate to us to be patient, nurturing and caring.  Why is our behavior then different towards elderly adults?

What is Elder Abuse?

       'A single or repeated act or lack of appropriate action, occurring within any relationship where there is an expectation of trust, which causes harm or distress to an older person'.

           
           -  http://www.elderabuse.org.uk/abuse.html